My Baby Loss Story.
Myself & My husband, Joe, lost 4 babies through silent miscarriage during a 20 month period and it was the most horrendous time of my life.
Miscarriage is devastating. From the moment you see the positive line you begin to wonder and dream of your little baby, the life you have created. Miscarriage leaves you feeling empty. It robs you of the future you had planned and your faith in your body. It’s painful, physically and emotionally.
Pregnancy after loss is a difficult time too, you experience such a mix of emotions. I remember being so paranoid about every little thing and I would obsess over symptoms, any sensation I felt would send me into a downward spiral. Seeing a positive pregnancy test would fill me with anxiety and fear more so than joy and happiness. Myself and Joe would barely speak about the fact we were pregnant, instead we would wait in anticipation of our first scan. What should be a joyous and exciting time in your life is replaced with fear, anxiety and doubt. With each baby that we lost, I realised overtime that I lost a part of me too. Through the rollercoaster journey, my mental health had been damaged and I was traumatised. I tried so hard to remain positive and whilst I thought I was coping, and probably to the outside world I seemed ok, I wasn’t. There were many nights I spent sobbing in a heap, many mornings I wouldn’t get out of bed, and so many days I would just stare into space. I’d completely lost myself, and trying to live ‘normally’ became really difficult.
It was an all consuming time, because we fell pregnant again quite quickly after each miscarriage, I felt like I didn’t even come up for air. I was overloaded with grief and when I look back at myself during that time, I was drowning and unable to cope. I remember after our 3rd loss, I was loosing all hope, and when we lost our fourth baby i fully believed it was never going to happen for us. I felt an immense amount of shame and I blamed myself. I remember in the depths of our journey feeling so fearful, empty, alone, angry, envious, numb and just incredibly sad.
Each miscarriage we had was a silent miscarriage, it was at scans that we would be told the news. Before 2 of our miscarriages, I knew it wasn’t going to be good news, as my symptoms would disappear, such as nausea, tender boobs, and tiredness. But I would cling on to the hope that it was all in my head, desperately trying to remain positive. Being told the news of our 4th loss, It was the first time I didn’t get upset, it was as if i’d shut down to the reality of loosing another baby. It was this moment where I knew I needed to grieve probably and allow myself to let go of all the pain and trauma that come with loosing a baby. I felt like I needed to finally face the reality of what was happening head on, even though I’d cried - A LOT, and worked on myself throughout our losses, I knew I was still holding onto so much pain.
We met the criteria for investigation after our third loss, and we lost our 4th baby whilst we was awaiting for an initial appointment to begin investigation. We was told it could take up to 4 months to receive our results, we received them when I was 6 weeks pregnant with our 5th baby. I remember getting the phone-call and being told they found something in my results. I felt absolutely petrified and I instantly felt catapulted back. I have what’s called a balanced translocation chromosome, and due to being pregnant, we was quickly put under the genetics team.
I had a CVS procedure at 11 weeks that involves taking a sample of the placenta to test for chromosome abnormalities. I was beginning to feel hopeful at this point as i’d never carried a baby past 11 weeks. It was a tense wait and we received the results at 15 weeks pregnant to say that everything looked well and healthy. I’ve never felt so relieved and feel grateful to say that our 5th pregnancy was successful and we have our beautiful daughter, Eva.
It’s taken time to process our losses and for me to heal from them, as well as feeling comfortable talking about our journey. Sharing my story was something I never thought I would do. But, when I was in the mist of our losses, trying to take care of myself - Reiki healing, and other mindfulness tools, for me, really were my saving grace. When I was ready too, they helped me to release my pain, whilst holding space for our babies. I also took comfort in knowing I was not alone, seeing others bravely come forward with their story.
Since going through this journey myself, and being in a place where I can offer my services to others, I have felt a huge desire to want to share these with anyone suffering from baby loss, wherever you are in your journey. I needed to share my story.
Through reiki healing, meditation and holistic practices i began to find myself again. I worked through the trauma alone, and together with my husband. I truly belief this form of support can help so many others with their grief journey.
Since this intense time of our lives, like many people, we do want to grow our family. Unfortunately we have faced two further miscarriages since having Eva. And I am grateful to say, that whilst miscarriage is simply an awful thing to experience, no matter how many times it has happened, I have coped with these two in a much healthier way. This isn’t to say I haven’t found it difficult, but i believe this is due to many factors throughout my experiences. I am the most accepting I ever have been of knowing that this is just my journey, and unfortunately I am somebody who’s miscarriages rates are higher than normal, due to my chromosomal disorder.
For anyone who sees parts of themselves in my story, I see you. You are not alone. I understand just how incredibly tough this is and send you so much love and healing.